My Personal Path – My Husband

The worst and most challenging tragedy for me was the sudden and unexpected loss of my husband in August, 2020.

Only four hours into what was supposed to be a three-day celebration of our 39th anniversary, my husband, Patrick, collapsed on my feet in the parking lot of an inn on the Oregon coast. Little did I know that the cell service in that area was quite spotty. He smashed his head on the rocks and suffered a cardiac arrest.

My attempt to reach 911 failed. And being alone, how could I even find my phone, attempt to connect with emergency services and do CPR all at once? So I did CPR and screamed for help. And I kept screaming until one person heard me. We finally reached a 911 operator and managed to share our location before the service cut off.

The medics, unable to get a heartbeat, said they’d keep working as they transported him to the nearest hospital. I followed in a police car.

Following COVID protocol, I sat in the waiting room, waiting. I sat in a wheelchair, afraid to stand as I thought I would faint. Finally, I was allowed to go back to the treatment room where I told the doctor that my sweet man’s brain had likely been without oxygen for 30 minutes. Looking at the hospital records weeks later, my estimate was darn close. Twenty-six minutes.

The ER docs were never able to get a pulse. My next step was clear. Please unhook him. We have to let him go. Thankfully, my husband and I had had multiple conversations about the end of life and what each of us wanted and didn’t want. My job was simple but it sure wasn’t easy.

I know a lot about death and dying but what I soon came to realize was that I knew nothing about traumatic loss. My only experience was working with people whose health declined over time. While both are painful, they are different.

All my life, I’ve heard messages about how strong and independent I am. I know how to put a good face on anything….almost. But the loss of my soulmate brought me to my knees. I was in free fall, no solid ground to stand on, crossing a chasm to a new, as yet unexplored, undefined land. I was at the beginning of a long journey, an endless transformation. I know that now.

No one told me what I’d find in this new landscape. Honestly, I had no warning that there would even BE a new landscape. One minute I was living in heaven. The next minute in hell. A split second and life as I knew it changed forever. And now, a forced “opportunity” to create a new identity, live in a new reality, a new landscape invisible to others, and which many people can’t begin to comprehend. I’m still struggling to understand it. And there are still days when I struggle to believe I have really lost my true love.